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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Idea
Sweep
Ideas
Sweeping
Glance
Glances
Cleaning
Household
Housekeeping
Room
Chores
Rooms
Housework

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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
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I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
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There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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