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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Greener
Tank
Tanks
Grass
Always
Septic

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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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Friends are annuals that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a perennial that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.
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