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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Tanks
Grass
Always
Septic
Greener
Tank

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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
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I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, I told you so.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. What shall we name the other one? I smiled. She was not amused.
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I lost everything in the post-natal depression.
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My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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