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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
Erma Bombeck
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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Morning
Bottle
Inspirational
Teenage
Kids
Bottles
Need
Teenager
Needs
Kitchen
Accessory
Empty
Gin
Struggle
Outfits
Seen
Accessories
More quotes by Erma Bombeck
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
Erma Bombeck
Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
Erma Bombeck
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
Erma Bombeck
I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
Erma Bombeck
Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
Erma Bombeck
Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
Erma Bombeck
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. What shall we name the other one? I smiled. She was not amused.
Erma Bombeck
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Erma Bombeck
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
Erma Bombeck
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her before picture.
Erma Bombeck
My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
Erma Bombeck
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck
The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
Erma Bombeck
Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.
Erma Bombeck
Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.
Erma Bombeck
Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
Erma Bombeck
To say, Well, I write when I really get into it is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
Erma Bombeck
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Erma Bombeck
