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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Would
Intimidation
Respecting
Holiday
Majors
Major
Running
Mother
Self

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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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To say, Well, I write when I really get into it is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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Friends are annuals that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a perennial that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty just adding water. Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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