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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Would
Intimidation
Respecting
Holiday
Majors
Major
Running
Mother
Self

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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.
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Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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