Quote

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Giving
Decide
Flu
Men
Shots
Certificate
Gift
Certificates
Spend
Dump
Marriage
Motherhood
Gives
Mothers
Least
Memorable
Mother
Shot
Respective

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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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Children make your life important.
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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