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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Back
Baby
Children
Humor
Much
Food
Small
Wipers
Face
Windshield
Faces
Spit
Funny
Humorous
Kids
Glasses

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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Erma Bombeck
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
Erma Bombeck
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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