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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Children
Humor
Much
Food
Small
Wipers
Face
Windshield
Faces
Spit
Funny
Humorous
Kids
Glasses
Back
Baby

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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
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