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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Brings
Boys
Show
Mother
Shows
Home
Orphan
Snake
Snakes

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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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To say, Well, I write when I really get into it is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her before picture.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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