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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Light
Kitchen
Ideas
Turn
Many
Takes
Children
Turns
Idea
Three
Didn
Two

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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
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I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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