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She's as funny as a toothache

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Toothache
Funny

More quotes by Erma Bombeck

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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
Erma Bombeck
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
Erma Bombeck
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
Erma Bombeck
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
Erma Bombeck
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
Erma Bombeck
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
Erma Bombeck
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
Erma Bombeck
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
Erma Bombeck
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
Erma Bombeck
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
Erma Bombeck
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
Erma Bombeck
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the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.
Erma Bombeck
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
Erma Bombeck
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Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.
Erma Bombeck
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
Erma Bombeck