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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Funny
Family
Kids
Danced
Anything
Parenting
Children
Hasn
Refuse
General
Television

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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Children make your life important.
Erma Bombeck