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Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Food
Order
Body
Never
Badass
Excess
Racist
Weight

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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
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Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.
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