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Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Order
Body
Never
Badass
Excess
Racist
Weight
Food

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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
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There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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I used everything you gave me.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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