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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Tell
Priest
Boyfriend
Priests
Cute
Saws
Friend
Friends
Funny
Reefs

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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. What shall we name the other one? I smiled. She was not amused.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
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Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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