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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Exercise
Hear
Literature
Funny
Jogging
Running
Runners
Reason
Breathing
Take
Heavy
Would
Sex

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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
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My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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I used everything you gave me.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.
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