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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Hear
Literature
Funny
Jogging
Running
Runners
Reason
Breathing
Take
Heavy
Would
Sex
Exercise

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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
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