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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Literature
Funny
Jogging
Running
Runners
Reason
Breathing
Take
Heavy
Would
Sex
Exercise
Hear

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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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