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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Men
Soccer
Watches
Football
Dead
Sports
Games
Legally
Three
Declared
Women
Memorable

More quotes by Erma Bombeck

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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
Erma Bombeck
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
Erma Bombeck
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Erma Bombeck
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I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
Erma Bombeck
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
Erma Bombeck