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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Followed
Cars
Car
Inspiration
Women
Buzzards
Exercised
Thin

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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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I used everything you gave me.
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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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To say, Well, I write when I really get into it is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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