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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Since
High
Literature
School
Reunion
Done
Graduated
Never
Graduation
Think
Pregnancy
Thinking
Pregnant

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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Never order food in excess of your body weight.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
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