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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Since
High
Literature
School
Reunion
Done
Graduated
Never
Graduation
Think
Pregnancy
Thinking
Pregnant

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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty just adding water. Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.
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My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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