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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Awake
Christmas
Morning
Child
Spiritual
Xmas
Nothing
Sadder
Children
Merry
World
Holiday

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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
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Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.
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I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
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When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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