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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wetness
Slept
Rubber
Sheets
Kids
Take
Men

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips