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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wetness
Slept
Rubber
Sheets
Kids
Take
Men

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips