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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Rubber
Sheets
Kids
Take
Men
Wetness
Slept

More quotes by Emo Philips

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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips