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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Sheets
Kids
Take
Men
Wetness
Slept
Rubber

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips