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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Buying
Feel
Feels
Every
Time
Like
Quayle
Vowel
Vowels

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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