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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Buying
Feel
Feels
Every
Time
Like
Quayle
Vowel
Vowels

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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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