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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Quayle
Vowel
Vowels
Buying
Feel
Feels
Every
Time

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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