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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Every
Time
Like
Quayle
Vowel
Vowels
Buying
Feel
Feels

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips