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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Quayle
Vowel
Vowels
Buying
Feel
Feels
Every
Time

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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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