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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Vowels
Buying
Feel
Feels
Every
Time
Like
Quayle
Vowel

More quotes by Emo Philips

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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips