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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Every
Years
Time
December
Like
Earlier
Christmas
Year
Start
Seems

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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