Quote

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Benefits
Monopoly
Worth
Regular
Rich
Super
Guy
Boxes
Looking
Dress
Like
Dresses
Shouldn

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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips