Quote

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Benefits
Worth
Monopoly
Rich
Regular
Guy
Super
Looking
Boxes
Like
Dress
Dresses
Shouldn

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips