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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Shouldn
Benefits
Worth
Monopoly
Rich
Regular
Guy
Super
Looking
Boxes
Like
Dress
Dresses

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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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