Quote

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Problem
Totally
Without
Credit
Quirk
Must
Number
Quirks
Giving
Normal
Card
Every
Laughing
Stolen
Always
Respect
Phone
Think
Numbers
Cards
Thinking
Give
Phones

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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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