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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Giving
Normal
Card
Every
Laughing
Stolen
Always
Respect
Phone
Think
Numbers
Cards
Thinking
Give
Phones
Problem
Totally
Without
Credit
Quirk
Must
Number
Quirks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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