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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Family
Good
Life
Mammal
Ventured
Mammals
Recently
Sex

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips