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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Good
Life
Mammal
Ventured
Mammals
Recently
Sex
Family

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips