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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Sex
Family
Good
Life
Mammal
Ventured
Mammals
Recently

More quotes by Emo Philips

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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips