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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Family
Good
Life
Mammal
Ventured
Mammals
Recently
Sex

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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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