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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Life
Mammal
Ventured
Mammals
Recently
Sex
Family
Good

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips