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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Jokes
Seem
Food
Religious
Seems
Reason
Trivial
Driving

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips