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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Seems
Reason
Trivial
Driving
Jokes
Seem
Food
Religious

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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