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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Reason
Trivial
Driving
Jokes
Seem
Food
Religious
Seems

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips