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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Theory
Doesn
Deciding
Two
Spell
Always
Involve
Spells
Theories
Competing
Magic

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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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