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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Doesn
Deciding
Two
Spell
Always
Involve
Spells
Theories
Competing
Magic
Theory

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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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