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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Theories
Competing
Magic
Theory
Doesn
Deciding
Two
Spell
Always
Involve
Spells

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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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