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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parent
Hours
Certain
Strict
Home
Hour
Like
Rules
Couldn
Parents

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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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