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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Hour
Rules
Couldn
Parents
Parent
Hours
Certain
Home
Strict

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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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