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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Hours
Certain
Home
Strict
Like
Hour
Rules
Couldn
Parents
Parent

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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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