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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parents
Parent
Hours
Certain
Home
Strict
Like
Hour
Rules
Couldn

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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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