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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parent
Hours
Certain
Home
Strict
Like
Hour
Rules
Couldn
Parents

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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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