Quote

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Strange
Eras
Liberty
Thanks
Days
Street
Hand
Son
Getting
Adults
Hands
Streets
Spanking
Never
Took
Grab
Would
Grew
Worn

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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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