Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Would
Grew
Worn
Strange
Eras
Liberty
Thanks
Days
Street
Hand
Son
Getting
Adults
Hands
Streets
Spanking
Never
Took
Grab
More quotes by Emo Philips
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips