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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Stitches
Nicknames
Baseball
Kids
Nickname

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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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