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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Nickname
Stitches
Nicknames
Baseball
Kids

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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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